As most of everyone knows, I have LVNC. This is a common uncommon heart defect. One symptom of LVNC is sudden death. I have lived with this my whole life. I have known of this symptom for a majority of my life. I live life to the fullest... blah blah blah.
Knowing things does not make them less scary. This probably happens once a year, but I am simply terrified to go to sleep. In high school, I honestly didn't give a shit if it was "my time" or whatever people were calling it. If I died, I died. I didn't have any huge dreams, goal, I didn't have much direction. Yeah, it would suck and I would feel bad that I left my mom and stuff, but that's all I really had to live for- my mom.
Now I am terrified that I won't get to do everything I want to do. It's like, all I want to do in life is live. "Kennedy, that is the corniest thing ever." I know. But seriously,
I want to learn everything about the world wars.
I want to go to Germany.
I want to dye (some of) my hair blue.
I want to graduate with my bachelors.
I want to graduate with highest honors.
I want to graduate with a killer GPA.
I want to finish the masters certificate program at EMU.
I want to be an academic advisor.
I want to graduate with a masters degree.
I want to be a history professor.
I want to graduate with a doctorate.
I want to have a kid, maybe even two.
Then I want to watch those kids grow up.
I really just want to live long enough to complete that list.
I am scared. More scared than I am every other minute of every other day. I mean, I think I am always scared but there is just so much to live for now. God, I am just really fucking scared.
So I am sitting here, terrified to go to sleep, even though I know that the likelihood of me dying tonight is the same as last night and tomorrow night. That doesn't make the words "sudden death" any less frightening. Sometimes I just want to go talk to a psychologist.
This shit is crazy.
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